It was the end off Summer-beginning of Fall 2010 when my marriage began to fall apart. When I knew that it was indeed over and without hope of recovery, it was time to start letting people know what was going on, but for some reason, I had been avoiding using the word "divorce".
The first time I remember even using the word (in the context of personal relevance) I was at work. “I’m getting divorced” I told my bosses when explaining my situation and why I needed to transfer out of state. It felt funny coming out of my mouth. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a small sense of bewilderment going through my mind at the time. Mandy and I had never used the word in discussing our situation. We both had come to an understanding on it, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. I like to think that she’d felt the same way since she hadn’t actually used the “D” word yet either. I suppose it makes sense that work was the first to actually hear the word from me. I needed to impress upon them the dire straits of my circumstances and I saw no better alternative.
When I had told my parents the night before, I’d worded things differently. I didn’t know what to tell them. The shame of it all, the embarrassment, it left me…weak. How could I tell my parents that their son has failed? How could I express to them that what they’ve managed for nearly 30 years I could barely go over 6? I honestly don’t even remember the exact words I used, only that I broke my “no crying while I tell them” rule after a single sentence.
My parents told me to be strong; they assured me that I wasn’t a failure and that I wasn’t letting anyone down. I appreciated their sentiments, but I didn’t necessarily buy them. I couldn’t help but feel the way I did. Being married for 6 years had become both an accomplishment and a bragging right within my social circles. By 27 I had seen all but mine and one other set of friend’s marriages end. “How do you do it?” people would ask. And of course I would have all the answers and everyone would look at me like I was the guy who’s figured it all out. Heck, maybe I was even thinking that I was giving people hope. I remember Mandy telling me that her friend cynically saw our marriage as the last good example of a marriage because before we came along, her life had been filled with only bad examples.
I also couldn’t help but remember how so many people let me up on my high horse to preach my words of wisdom. I wonder what those people think now? In truth, I still stand behind everything I had said to them. I don’t take back a single word, I just hoped then as I do now that all the folks who listened to me aren’t as disillusioned with me as I was at the time.
I imagine my parents were probably the hardest people to tell and I suppose I couldn’t really bring myself to use the D word with them. The whole thing was so emotional that the inclusion of the word would have only deepened the shock and pain felt on both sides of the conversation. When I told work however, I told it to people I was far more removed from. Aside from using the word to accentuate my need for a transfer out of state, it was also easier to remove myself emotionally from the world and therefore say it without breaking down again like I had the night before when I couldn’t bring myself to say the word, much less use it in a sentence.
And that's the story of the first time I used the word "divorce" in a personal context.
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