...The Most Cowardly Thing I've Ever Done

I'm no stranger to a broken heart. My heart's been beaten, bruised, crushed, shattered, stomped on and whatever other similar metaphor you can think of. I can remember my most humiliating rejection was when my junior high girlfriend Lisa decided to break up with me after a month by leaving it on my family's voicemail for all to hear when we got back from a family outing.

As you can imagine, at the delicate age of 13, it didn't feel so great.

So why I did what I did 2 years later may be one of my most shameful moments. You see a break up is never an easy thing for anyone whether you're 13 or 30. In my experience, the best way to go about these things, while never easy, is to do it face to face; because if you're gonna dump someone, you should at least have the common courtesy to show respect and be upfront with the person.

So I was 15 and had recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 9 months, which at 15 was like 9 years. My sister and I had a shared friend named Nicole. I had previously harbored a schoolyard crush on her from the time she moved across the street from us in elementary school up until that point in time and so when Nicole decided she wanted to hang around more after my breakup, you can imagine that I wasn't about to protest.

I want to say it was about a month after my breakup that I first built up the nerve to kiss Nicole. We started "going out" on Valentine's Day and for the next 2 weeks we were making out whenever no one was looking and for as long as possible. She became head over heels for me as most junior high crushes do but coming off of my previous breakup, I just really wasn't ready for the responsibilty of being a boyfriend again so soon. Sure I was full of teenage hormones and so when the timing was right I was never against the idea of a good old fashioned make out session, but I eventually got to the point to where I first learned about rebounds and how you don't always see them coming until it's too late.

My friends knew what I was feeling and put constant pressure on me to break up with her but I was just too scared to do it. I didn't want to break anyone's heart, especially after mine had just been broken not too much earlier. Finally I decided to do it and....well...I'm not proud of how I did it but I suppose we all have our less proud moments in life that humanize us. It was between periods where we would usually pass each other and sneak a hug and kiss that she saw me and smiled and I smiled back with what may be the most dishonest smile I ever wore. She gave me a hug and a kiss and then I gave her the note.

That's right, I wrote a break up note that she gladly accepted thinking it was just another love letter. She walked off to her next class with a folded up time bomb ready to destroy her and while I wasn't there to see it go off. I sure heard about it. What I did was the act of a 15 year old boy and not the man I am today but it's still no excuse for my actions. That was the one and only time I ever broke up with someone and I did it in one of  the worst, most disrespectful ways I could have. Not only did I act like a chicken in the way I broke up with her but I also did a great disservice to one of my oldest friends. She did eventually forgive me but it took a while and the process wasn't fun. I suppose if nothing else I learned from my mistake and was able to grow from it, but still, I knew better.

And that's the story of the most cowardly thing I've ever done.